Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Finding a new normal

I read this great blog by a gal named Paige, shown here. Here's a short excerpt:
Most days, I don't think about postpartum depression. I feel fine. However, there is the daily reminder of popping that little pill that reminds me something is askew. While I am grateful that it seems to be helping me cope with less than ideal sleep, there are fears brewing inside. What if this isn't just PPD and I really am and always will be a funny but tired, cranky, short-tempered, person with hermit-like tendencies who will always feel a little undesired as a friend and a tad bit lonely? Oh, that just sounds entirely too depressing! However, I have always felt like a misfit... even in preschool. I didn't play the normal games that the other girls played. I didn't let the boys chase me. I tended to watch and assess long before I would join in. Pills don't fix peculiar.
The last line she wrote really stuck with me. Pills don't fix peculiar. They really don't. I think one of the hardest things about life after giving birth is finding out what is the new normal. How much of how I act is me? How much is the postpartum depression? What will go away with therapy, medicine and time? What will remain? Returning to the person I was before M arrived is impossible. But who is the new person I am now? Her blog got me thinking.

Who I am:
  • Kind and caring.
  • Talkative and friendly.
  • Organized mostly, disorganized occasionally.
  • Messy but not dirty.
  • Head over heels in love with my husband and M.
Who I am not:
  • Angry.
  • Unforgiving.
  • Weak.
The challenge going forward is to forgive myself and find myself.

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