She loves me

Today I took M to a developmental screening that our county health department offers. They asked me lots of questions about the way she talks, plays, moves and interacts with people.

There's all kinds of research to suggest that postpartum depression can have residual effects on infants. When they don't interact enough with their mothers, they can withdraw. Some even learn not to cry because no one will come to their aid if they do.

I scheduled the screening to see if M had any of these signs. None. I was so relieved.

"It's obvious she loves you," the child guidance counselor said. The speech pathologist nodded.

I wanted to snatch M up from the floor where she was playing and hug her silly. How forgiving she is. I'm sure this doesn't mean we're out of the woods. I have to be sure I give her love and attention. I have to move past my fear and anxiety and be present with her when it's just the two of us. I can't avoid her when I feel terrified that I'll screw her up because I'm screwed up.

We left the screening, and I felt such joy. I took her to daycare and waved goodbye.